If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
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Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
TRAIN’S HERE
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.