Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
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People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
dads on road-trips be like
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.