Discuss
You Might Also Like
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!