The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Watermelon Boss!
Not today.. 😂
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.