Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
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People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
At least try to make it slightly believable
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Every haunted house movie:
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.