[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
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why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
just got my engagement photos
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.