Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
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I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.