A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.