When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
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Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.