This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
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My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking