Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
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Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.