she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van