Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
You Might Also Like
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No