It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
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Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
watergate? u mean a dam??
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
the composer
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book