8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
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hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.