Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.