I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
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Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.