Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Money is the root of all wealth
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.