So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
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NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
How it started: How it’s going:
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.