* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
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I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER