Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
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Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first