Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
You Might Also Like
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what