I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
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Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear