Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
For anyone who needs this today
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700