Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
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Only a mother’s love …
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.