Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
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My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Ron is short for Aaronald
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism