You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
“Sheer Arrogance”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.