Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
when you order from DoorDastardly
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.