just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
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I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.