Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
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Her: I鈥檓 an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Have kids they said, it鈥檚 life changing they said, you鈥檒l love it they said…
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Interviewer: we鈥檙e looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Nooooooooo!!!
馃尨馃尶馃馃崁馃尦
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don鈥檛 expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He鈥檇 thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she鈥檇 wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that鈥檚 my go to