You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
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*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”