Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
You Might Also Like
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Breaking news:
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”