DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
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My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
That eye roll….
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”