I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.