[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
2023 was just a warmup
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.