There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …