Cats (2019)
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“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Story of my life…..
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.