Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
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At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally