Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I’m too immature for adultery.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.