“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
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Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now