I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
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me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
this is literally a CIA plant
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Sign at work today
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*