I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
You Might Also Like
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?