You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!