HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.