Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
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Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.