Holy shit he’s back
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today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
a fate I wish upon no one
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows