(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I wish all tests were things you peed on
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.