Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
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Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*