I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
this chia pet tastes awful
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul