I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Anime is real
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
This is true.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Very problematic
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Good boy 😂😂
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?